Brady John · Life After Loss

365 Days

It’s been a whole 365 days since Brady was here.

A year passed, and we made it through all the firsts.  In some ways, it feels like a new chapter opened today.  I no longer have to anticipate the unknown of any holiday or anniversary.  I’ve been through one of them already.  I learned that sometimes the anticipation of the date or holiday was worse than the actual day.  Of course, there were plenty of days that were unexpectedly hard too.  Moving into the second year, I know it doesn’t mean that I’ll react the same with each holiday or anniversary as I did with the first one.  There is some relief in knowing that I made it through this one horrible year.  And if I can make it through that, I can make it through anything.

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Brady John · Life After Loss

Happy 1st Birthday, Brady John!

Up until the morning of Sunday, January 14th, I had every intention of celebrating Brady’s first birthday that day.  Though he was born on the 15th, I figured that had he lived to see his first birthday, Sunday would’ve been the day we had people over to celebrate.  I doubt we would have had great turnout for a party on a Monday night.  However, when we woke up that day, we decided we’d rather visit and celebrate on his actual birthday.

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Brady John · Life After Loss

The Month of Brady

January is here and I am now fully engulfed in what I am unofficially calling “the month of Brady”.  Brady was born and died last January, so there are a lot of contrasting emotions wrapped up into this one month.  January 2017 was both the happiest and saddest month of my life.  I went into the new year last year oblivious to what was about to happen.  The only thing significant about January was supposed to be our move to our new house.  You all know how that went (and if you don’t, check this and this out).

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Brady John · Life After Loss

Remembering in Special Ways

I remember Brady John every day (and pretty much all day).  We all have ways to carve out time for the ones we love each day, whether those people are with us or not.  I visit Brady’s grave most days.  I look at photos of him (my phone’s lock screen and background are all Brady).  I think about him.  A lot.  These things have become a part of my routine.  Sometimes, it’s really nice to do something special in Brady’s memory, something out of the ordinary.

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Brady John · Life After Loss

Brady John Bear

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, so it seems fitting that we’d get a very special memory of Brady this month.  Brady John Bear (finally!) arrived!  I placed an order with Molly Bears back in April, knowing that the wait would be 6-8 months.   I found myself consistently checking their website, hoping I would see the status of our bear change from “ordered” to “in production”.  That finally happened in September, and I couldn’t wait to see what our little bear would look like.

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Brady John

The Perfect Memorial

I’ve been really good about going to the gym and getting back into a good routine, and tonight I just don’t feel like going.  To make myself feel less guilty about not going, I am going to do something productive and share something long overdue.  Brady’s memorial stone arrived just after Brady’s half birthday, and since his 8 month just passed, it’s about time that I share a little more about it.

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Brady John · Life After Loss

Faith’s Lodge

It’s hard to put into words why Faith’s Lodge is such a comforting and healing place.  On the surface, it’s a beautiful, picturesque setting.  It’s pretty much in the middle of nowhere, making it incredibly peaceful.  But there’s so much more to it than that.  Their mission is to provide a peaceful escape for families to refresh their minds and spirits while spending time with others who understand what they are experiencing.  Their slogan – Faith’s Lodge: A Place Where Hope Grows.

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Brady John · Life After Loss

28 or 29?

The answer ended up being 28, and it wasn’t even close.  Because Brady’s due date and my birthday were so close together, we wondered how old I would be when I became a mom. Continue reading “28 or 29?”

Brady John

Special Onesies

The first piece of clothing we bought Brady John was a onesie to help us announce his upcoming arrival.  At the time that we ordered it, we didn’t know that Brady was a boy, so I ordered a cheery yellow-striped onesie and figured it would work whether we had a boy or a girl.  We chose “Schmitz Just Got Real” as a funny play on words.  When you have a child, shit does get real and we thought this was a fun way to share that things would never be the same as they were before.

We drove over to my mom’s house in order for her to take the picture that I would post on Facebook to announce my pregnancy.  Jeff and I planned that I would look super excited in the photo, and he would put on his best nervous face.  I think we did pretty well.

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Brady John · Pregnancy

A Year Ago (Roughly)

Of course I’d miss it by a day.  I’m just not that organized, and I guess I never noted the exact date in my mind.  August 8th, 2016 was the day that we found out I was pregnant with Brady.  One year and one day ago.

I might not have burned that date into my mind, but I do have a lot of memories of that day.  I remember driving home from work, noting that I was out of pregnancy tests and deciding to stop and get some.  Tomorrow would be the day that I could take a test after the two-week wait.  After the first couple of months of just winging it, we’d gotten strategic this month.  The pressure was on.

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