Brady John · Life After Loss

The Dream

The day Brady passed away, my parents and sister came over to see me and Jeff.  I know that Jeff and I did not want any visitors, but it was one of those times where they said they were coming over and we knew there would be no way to stop it.

I can’t remember much of what was said, as I was in some serious shock, but I do remember my dad telling us a story of a dream he had right after his mom passed away.  He and his mom were very close, and my dad was heartbroken when she suddenly passed.  Shortly after she’d passed, my grandmother came to him in a dream and embraced him.  He asked her to come back and she said she couldn’t and that she was where she needed to be.  The dream was so vivid that my dad could actually physically feel her embrace.

Hearing that story was obviously very emotional.  It demonstrated the connection we continue to have with those we love, even after they’ve left this earth.  I longed for an experience like that, but had no idea how something like that could even happen with our situation.  With Brady being so young when he passed, I couldn’t see how he would be able to communicate that way to me in a dream.

The longing for an experience like that slowly faded, as my dad’s story slipped from the front of my mind.  Like many other things in my life, it would completely catch me off guard when it did happen.  We were approaching 5 months since Brady went to heaven when the dream happened for me.  I’m someone who rarely remembers their dreams, so the fact that I remember any of this is miraculous.  I’m sure the vividness of the dream is part of why I can.

In my dream, I was looking down at my arms and my arms were cradling Brady.  I’m sure this seems like a pretty normal dream for a mom to have, holding your baby, but trust me when I tell you this was completely different and unlike any dream I’ve ever had.  I could feel the weight of Brady in my arms.  It wasn’t that my arms felt heavy, it was that my arms felt like they were holding something with weight, my sweet Brady John.  His weight was significant, more than the 1 lb. 10 oz. baby I had held after he’d passed away, and he looked bigger too.

Per the usual, I called my husband on my way home from work that day and told him about this dream.  Of course, I was sobbing as I told him about it, and I still cry each time I think of this dream today.  Jeff asked, “You’re happy, right?”  It’s hard to put the emotions I feel into words.  It was an experience that was both heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time.  Heartwarming, because my son was there with me, continues to be with me, and I got to hold him in my arms again, something I’ve longed to do since the first and last time I was able to hold him.  Heartbreaking, because the only place I can hold my son is in my dreams.

Overall, I’ll put the experience into the category of “comforting.”  Feeling Brady’s presence so intensely and feeling his weight in my arms demonstrates the connection we continue to have.  Though I know it is not in my conscious control, I hope there will be other times that I can feel Brady so closely.

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