My First Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is another BIG day in a series of days that can be triggers for someone like me, those who have lost a child, and especially those who have no other living children.

Earlier this week, I was surprised by how well I was doing.  I was looking forward to Mother’s Day, and celebrating the little man who made me a mama.  Fast forward to Friday, and everything seemed to hit the fan.  Both Friday and Saturday were super emotional days.  It seems so unfair and cruel that Brady made me a mom, and he is not here to celebrate this day with me.  Instead of holding my newborn baby in my arms, I have to hold him in my heart.  Instead of him waking me and his dad up in the middle of the night, we have to hop in the car and drive to visit him at the cemetery.

After a couple of very emotional days, I didn’t know what was in store for me today.  If there’s one thing I can say with certainty about grief, it’s that it is unpredictable.  Days that I have anticipated being difficult (like Brady’s due date) have been fine, and others that I haven’t anticipated being difficult have been nearly unbearable.  I never know when something is going to trigger pain that feels as fresh as the moment we had to say goodbye.

I woke up this morning with sadness, of course, but also a grateful heart.  I’m a mom.  Brady made me a mom.

I’m so thankful that my husband let me celebrate this day the way I wanted to and let me decide in the moment what that was.  A casual brunch with my mom and family.  A visit with our little man.  Gardening.  Reading through thoughtful messages from sweet friends and family members.

I try to find Brady every day and do something intentional to keep his memory alive.  With our new house and new yard, I have done a lot of gardening.  The color blue reminds me of Brady, so I have been on a quest for the perfect blue flowers to plant in his memory.  If any of you are gardeners, you know that true blue flowers are hard to find.  There are many flowers that claim to be blue, but they are usually more purple.  Anyway, I found these gorgeous blue Hydrangeas.  True light blue flowers.  Even better, they are a perennial, so I can look forward to Brady Blue flowers greeting me year after year.  I had the perfect spot picked out under a tree in our front yard.  Knowing that there would be roots, I enlisted my husband’s help for the actual planting.  There were TONS of roots, and some of them were huge.  Thankfully my husband doesn’t give up and we finally got two holes big enough to plant the Hydrangeas.  They look beautiful, and were worth the struggle.

I also want to take a moment to thank everyone who took the time to acknowledge me as a mother today (and other days too).  I was nervous that people wouldn’t recognize me as a mother, but the exact opposite occurred.  I got sweet texts, Facebook posts and messages, and thoughtful gifts.  Several of my friends pitched in to buy us a memorial stone at the Angel of Hope Garden.  I can’t wait to see it after it is installed this fall.  I got a beautiful photo collage that I get to bring to work to keep Brady with me at my desk.

Every person that has reached out has made me, Jeff, and Brady feel incredibly loved.  Losing a child is so painful and isolating.  People avoiding you only compounds the feeling of isolation.  The best thing you can do is acknowledge the grieving parents and their child – and that’s exactly what has happened over the past few days especially.