The anatomy scan has been one of the largest sources of anxiety for me this pregnancy. As I’ve mentioned before, to most people this is just the “gender ultrasound”, but there was a lot more hinging on this ultrasound than just that for us. There’s a lot of important measurements taken, and for us, this was our first glimpse at whether this baby was growth-restricted or not (at least at this point).
Tag: pregnancy
18 Weeks and a HELLP Scare
Over the past week, I’ve been dealing with some upper right quadrant pain. If you’ve had preeclampsia or HELLP syndrome, you know that upper right quadrant pain is a hallmark of the disease. If you have preeclampsia, you’re constantly being asked about your upper right quadrant, as that will often indicate an escalation to HELLP. I made another call to the nurse line, and since I was at a stage where HELLP would’ve been really rare, they suggested alternatives – watching my fat intake (if it was my gallbladder) and trying Zantac (if it was indigestion). The Zantac did help some other symptoms I’d been having, but the upper right quadrant pain wouldn’t go away. I called back today, and, due to my medical history, they were able to get me in to the doctor within the hour. I am so grateful for a care team that takes my concerns seriously.
A Call Log After Loss
Pregnancy after loss is a trip. If you haven’t been there, you probably don’t get the mental acrobatics that I go through on a daily basis. Today, I’m offering a glimpse into this mental state via a list of reasons I’ve called the nurse line, on-call OB, or sent a medical message during my first 16 weeks of pregnancy.
14 Week Review
If you’re friends with me on Facebook, or follow me on Instagram, you already know that we’re expecting baby #2 this fall. I’ve been pretty quiet about it, and it feels good to now be at a point where I’m comfortable enough to talk about it. Emphasis on enough. As of yesterday, we crossed the 14 week mark, and I want to catch you all up on these first few weeks. I know the blog post title is a bit inaccurate. It’s really a review of our first 11 weeks, since we found out we were expecting at 3+1. Yeah, I know, that’s early, but if you know me at all, you know I am that kind of person.
The Trauma of HELLP
I’ve spent a lot of time over the past 10 months processing the trauma of losing Brady. Weekly appointments with a therapist, grief support groups, grief hours, journaling, and, of course, blogging. Losing a child is a horrific, unnatural kind of loss. Even if I you haven’t experienced it yourself, I probably don’t have to tell you this. What I have started to realize is that I haven’t scratched the surface of processing some of the other traumas I’ve experienced. The fact that a significant date is looming, less than 2 months away, is making this all the more clear.
A Year Ago (Roughly)
Of course I’d miss it by a day. I’m just not that organized, and I guess I never noted the exact date in my mind. August 8th, 2016 was the day that we found out I was pregnant with Brady. One year and one day ago.
I might not have burned that date into my mind, but I do have a lot of memories of that day. I remember driving home from work, noting that I was out of pregnancy tests and deciding to stop and get some. Tomorrow would be the day that I could take a test after the two-week wait. After the first couple of months of just winging it, we’d gotten strategic this month. The pressure was on.
Grateful
I am grateful for my life, and sad that my son isn’t here. Those two things are not mutually exclusive feelings, and while that might not sound earth-shattering, it has taken several months for me to come to this realization.
Recently, I read an article about a young, healthy woman, Lauren Bloomstein, (a NICU nurse, actually) who died from HELLP Syndrome. (It’s long, but you can read it here if you want). While I had a very short amount of time to accept my diagnosis, I’ve always understood the gravity of HELLP Syndrome, and how sick I was in the hours before I delivered Brady. However, it’s taken me several months to come to terms with the fact that the decision to deliver wasn’t a decision of my life or Brady’s, it was a decision that was best for both of us. HELLP is not a slow killer, and had I not been under the care of competent doctors, I truly believe I wouldn’t have made it long.
What’s in a Name?
It dawned on me last night, as I listened to a friend talk about how they chose their baby’s name on a podcast, that I hadn’t shared how we came up with Brady John’s name. I even looked back at my earlier blog posts to make sure. There’s a brief mention of why we chose John, but otherwise, nothing. Like most stories, there are two sides. In this case, I’ll share mine and my husband’s.
The March for Babies
On Saturday, April 29th, we got to walk in the March for Babies to support the March of Dimes. My little sister, Christina, had text me a few weeks after Brady passed away, and asked if I would want to do the walk and raise money in honor of Brady this year. I thought it was a wonderful idea, and a way that we could continue to honor Brady’s memory year after year.
Preparing for the Future
With everything that happened with my pregnancy with Brady, we had a lot of questions about what future pregnancies would look like, and whether we would be willing to take on the risks associated with any future pregnancies. We had always been hopeful we could find a way to reduce our risks and still be able to have children in the future. I mean, who wouldn’t want to make more babies with this stud?
