Our life, our loss, and honoring our sweet little man
You’ve already heard my thoughts on pregnancy announcements here, and now I think it’s time to discuss another, somewhat related, trigger. The dreaded baby shower. Keep in mind, I’ve never been a huge fan of showers… but I have also not dreaded them until now.
I think some of these situations happen because we’re into the 5th month since Brady passed away. Those peripheral people in my life have started to forget that I experienced a loss.
It’s hard to believe that we should have a 6 month old at home. Not a day goes by that I don’t imagine what Brady would be like, and what milestones he would be hitting. I googled “3 month milestones” (with Brady being a micro-preemie, his adjusted age would be 3 months) and laughed when I saw that one of them was “supports upper body with arms while lying on stomach”. Our 4 day old micro-preemie did that… well, for at least a couple of seconds. Those other babies must be some serious slackers. (You can read that story here if you missed it) Maybe adjusted age wouldn’t have been much of a factor with our little badass. That’s just one of the many “maybes” that I’ll never be able to answer.
I am grateful for my life, and sad that my son isn’t here. Those two things are not mutually exclusive feelings, and while that might not sound earth-shattering, it has taken several months for me to come to this realization.
Recently, I read an article about a young, healthy woman, Lauren Bloomstein, (a NICU nurse, actually) who died from HELLP Syndrome. (It’s long, but you can read it here if you want). While I had a very short amount of time to accept my diagnosis, I’ve always understood the gravity of HELLP Syndrome, and how sick I was in the hours before I delivered Brady. However, it’s taken me several months to come to terms with the fact that the decision to deliver wasn’t a decision of my life or Brady’s, it was a decision that was best for both of us. HELLP is not a slow killer, and had I not been under the care of competent doctors, I truly believe I wouldn’t have made it long.
It’s been over 5 months and I’m still up 10 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight, and 20 pounds up from my wedding weight. (Holla for gaining a whopping 10 pounds on our honeymoon!) I always thought I would be the one that was back to her pre-baby body no more than 3 months postpartum. In all honesty, I used to judge women who “let themselves go” after having a baby. Didn’t they care about their health? My experiences over the past few months have given me a new understanding of life, and my ability to judge so freely is now almost nonexistent. My experience has shown me what motherhood truly is. I think the root is that we all desire to do right by our children, and we can do that in a huge variety of ways. What works best for one, might not work for another, and that’s okay.
Continue reading “Why I’m Giving Myself Grace in my Fitness Journey”
The day Brady passed away, my parents and sister came over to see me and Jeff. I know that Jeff and I did not want any visitors, but it was one of those times where they said they were coming over and we knew there would be no way to stop it.
I can’t remember much of what was said, as I was in some serious shock, but I do remember my dad telling us a story of a dream he had right after his mom passed away. He and his mom were very close, and my dad was heartbroken when she suddenly passed. Shortly after she’d passed, my grandmother came to him in a dream and embraced him. He asked her to come back and she said she couldn’t and that she was where she needed to be. The dream was so vivid that my dad could actually physically feel her embrace.
To the person who doesn’t know what happened to my son,
You didn’t just make the worst mistake by asking me how he is or how he’s doing. I know you think you did. This has happened before, many times. This isn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last time. And trust me, it is far from the worst thing you could have said. The worst thing you could have said is nothing. Think about it, tons of people know what happened to my son and won’t ask about him. You, on the other hand, care enough to ask about the most important little person in my life. You looked at me and thought, “Ah, it’s been a while, the little man must be here!” I know my answer wasn’t what you were expecting, but I’m not mad you asked.
Continue reading “To the Person Who Doesn’t Know What Happened to My Son”
This story is of the first time Brady showed himself to us after he left our earthly world. It happened in the early morning hours after he had passed away. Jeff and I had spent a few hours at the hospital with Brady, and then had made the drive home. I don’t remember it at all.
When we arrived at home, it was still very early in the morning. Probably sometime between 4 and 5 AM. We knew we needed to call our families, but we weren’t quite ready and it was just really early still. We decided to try to get some sleep. If you’ve ever been in this situation, you know sleep is near impossible. We had only slept for maybe an hour and a half before we were called into the hospital, so our bodies and minds were exhausted.
Mother’s Day is another BIG day in a series of days that can be triggers for someone like me, those who have lost a child, and especially those who have no other living children.
Earlier this week, I was surprised by how well I was doing. I was looking forward to Mother’s Day, and celebrating the little man who made me a mama. Fast forward to Friday, and everything seemed to hit the fan. Both Friday and Saturday were super emotional days. It seems so unfair and cruel that Brady made me a mom, and he is not here to celebrate this day with me. Instead of holding my newborn baby in my arms, I have to hold him in my heart. Instead of him waking me and his dad up in the middle of the night, we have to hop in the car and drive to visit him at the cemetery.
On Saturday, April 29th, we got to walk in the March for Babies to support the March of Dimes. My little sister, Christina, had text me a few weeks after Brady passed away, and asked if I would want to do the walk and raise money in honor of Brady this year. I thought it was a wonderful idea, and a way that we could continue to honor Brady’s memory year after year.
Many of you know that my husband and I bought a new house right before Brady was born. Jeff and I hadn’t been looking for a new place at all until we found out we were pregnant. It became abundantly clear that we needed to move when we started cleaning out the guest bedroom that would’ve been Brady’s room – there just wasn’t enough room for all our stuff. We had a 2 bedroom townhouse, and it would’ve been busting at the seams.