It’s been a while, again, since I wrote – and as I write this, we’ve officially made it through our second month of Brady. January is all about Brady John. It’s the month he was born and the month he passed away. The latter being a date that we don’t like to acknowledge. I’ll share more on that later.
This year, we continued the tradition of buying a cake for Brady John’s birthday. This year I chose a firetruck theme, and it was hand-decorated. We loved how it turned out, and it was really, really delicious. We may have eaten cake all week long. Even Jeff liked it, and he’s not a big fan of cake. We also went to the cemetery to visit Brady as a family the weekend before his birthday. I hadn’t been to visit Brady John since Connor was born, and it was very emotional for me. It’s hard not to think about how perfect and complete our life would be if only Brady was here with us. We’ll always have a big piece missing. This was also the first time we brought Connor to visit Brady.
On his actual birthday, Jeff and I had to visit Brady separately. I ended up having to work a holiday party during the day and the night of, so I went and visited (and brought him a big piece of cake) between my two shifts, and Jeff stopped by later to bring him a special new dump truck. I don’t have a picture with the dump truck, but I will have to share one eventually, because it is pretty awesome.
Speaking of the holiday party, at the first holiday party, a few people didn’t get meat at our catered meal because they came late and others had already went back for second plates. As I was trying to leave to go visit Brady and bring him his cake, an employee visiting from another plant tried to pull me aside to talk about the meat shortage and what I needed to do about it. I could definitely tell that my window of tolerance was extra small that day because I was not interested in talking to her about it at all.
I also took Brady’s birthday as an opportunity to officially launch our March for Babies campaign. We’ll again be fundraising for the March of Dimes as Team Brady John in memory of our tough little man. This is another important tradition for us, as it’s the way we’ve chosen to keep Brady John’s memory alive. We have a lofty goal of $3,500 but I know we can make it happen. (If you’d like to support our team, please donate at www.marchforbabies.org/teambradyjohn. Thank you!!)
Once again, the space between the two Brady dates seemed long. You don’t think of two weeks as being a long time, but it is. When I think back to Brady’s life, I think of how comfortable I had gotten in those two weeks. I got used to him living, so when he passed away so suddenly, it was such a jolt.
Last year, I took the anniversary of Brady John’s death off from work, but that ended up not feeling so good. I think working and staying busy is better for me. I tried it out this year and think the result was better. I definitely thought about Brady a lot throughout the day, but I think staying busy was healthier for me mentally. I know not every loss mom feels this way, but we have to find what works for us individually and this is what worked for me.
I’ll stop being such a stranger around here – as Connor’s naps start to normalize a bit, I hope I can share of my experiences with parenting after loss.
Praise & Prayers! Your reflection honors Brady and the path you & Jeff are on. Hugs & Love, Anela
Your little man looks so big now!
Happy birthday Brady John! This last November it was my son’s second birthday too, and since i saw you last year buying a cake for Brady i decided to do the same for my son Axel! My daughter loved the idea too!(she’s 7) The previous year i didn’t know what to do but cry all day and feel worthless, but thanks to your inspiration I saw it a little different this time, it didn’t feel as painful. Thank you! Prayer for you and your family.