One recurring theme that I constantly come back to is time. There never seems to be enough of it, and that idea has never rang more true than when you’re talking about the loss of a child. We never know how much sand our hourglass holds until it runs out. Sometimes, after the hourglass runs out of sand, we can celebrate the time that we had with our loved ones. There’s no celebrating when a life as short as Brady John’s ends. We never imagined that Brady’s hourglass would have so little sand in it.
The calendar is my trigger. Inevitably, I find myself sad and irritable on the 29th of each month, the anniversary of Brady’s death. I can feel the clouds hanging over the day and sometimes I won’t even know why until I catch a glimpse of my cell phone screen or my calendar at work. My body knows it’s the 29th before my mind does.
It’s been 8 months, and I just want time to slow down, or speed up, I oscillate between the two. On one hand, I don’t like that each moment, day, and month that passes pushes me further away from the memories I have with my son. I don’t like that there’s so much time between us, and I hate that I’ll never be able to be closer to him again. As each second ticks by, I will never again be as close to Brady as I was the second before.
I had a moment of panic, counting the months that had passed on September 29th. I thought it had been 9 months, and three-quarters of a year felt far too long. I recounted and realized it had been 8 months and felt some relief. This month is the three-quarters year mark though, and soon it’ll be a year. It’s all happening too fast, and too slow.
That brings me to the other side of things, wanting time to speed up. I’ve wished I could propel time forward, so we can get to the point where we can try again. And while we’re on that note, I want to make it clear that trying again does not equate to moving on. I will never “move on” from losing Brady. Having another child will never replace the amazing son that we lost. We will forever be missing Brady, whose hourglass ran out of sand far too soon.